So I’ve only just realised (a common trend from my last post) that for the last 23 and a half years I’ve been saying and spelling hindsight as heinsight… 😂
The same as I thought that trick or treat was ‘trickle treat’ (and I’m sure I can think of more) so I do apologise. 😁
We are home from an amazing break in Essex, visiting family, having dinners and shopping. What more could I want?! But we’ve loved nothing more than being back in our low key bubble.
I’m sat on the sofa in my comfies with fresh fluffy socks, my dressing gown and Saint (our puppy) in his usual place tucked into my gown and acting as a scarf. I have just lit my Mother’s Day present (which arrived late thanks Yankee Candle) and a few more candles, alongside the flicker of the fairy lights, and the view of Luna’s special space (which I’ve rearranged again today).
I’ve debated several times whether to split this blog into 2 or keep it as 1. I’ve gone with my gut and split it into 2 because I love to talk it took me 15 minutes to re-read for grammar purposes and realised it was way too much for 1 🙈, but there’s a lot more swearing than normal in this one (I know there’s usually a lot anyway)! 😁
So a wave of warmth flooded Luna’s nursery as we checked the whole house on our return. It was a real moment that I didn’t want to stop.
Our families joined us and we ate pizza’s. The back ground noise was what I needed to remove the temptation for my mind to wonder.
“We were petrified of everyone leaving and kind of having to accept being on our own once again. But this time we were alone without the baby kicks and the laughs that went with it.”
I felt completely overwhelmed by the company and support around us. I secretly wanted to have a serious break down under the duvet in Ryan’s arms and close my eyes forever. But the other half of me didn’t want anyone to go, it was hurting me that everything always has to come to an end.
I’ve noticed it a lot more recently too everything comes to an end, life included. I couldn’t give a s**t about anything that brings me negativity, worry or doubt nowadays. It may be my last day so why not spend it the way I want to, which is with Ryan making memories and enjoying every single second of our lives together. ❤️
I used to be needy beforehand but f**k me I’m on another level now (much to Ryan’s delight) but he’s the only one who truly knows me, and truly makes me happy. I mean look at him, who wouldn’t want to be stuck to him! 😁
“I was so worried about our families leaving for the night, all driving home, questioning how they would deal with this, what they would all say to each other in the car and would we actually be okay to be left alone?”
They left, we went upstairs and just cried. Hysterically. Ryan looked after me so well, I was just an absolute battered sausage mentally, physically and emotionally.
My lowest point. Ever.
I don’t remember much of the first night other than DREADING to go to sleep or be in the dark, scared of having flash backs, my mind playing tricks or wondering what I would even think about.
We left our lamp on all night, I don’t remember falling asleep, dreaming or even sleeping but I do remember waking the next morning, now that I wish I could forget.
The morning after the night before.
Well there it was hitting me straight in the face, the confirmation that it really wasn’t a nightmare. I had woken up.
Now how the f**k do I get out of bed and face the day?
I stupidly looked at pictures from my phone, which your probably thinking is the worst thing I could have done (and your right), but I almost needed to be reassured that it actually happened, I needed evidence.
I clicked camera roll and there they were, little thumbnails of proof that ‘it’ had happened. As if this is my f**king life now?
“I held my jelly belly and played with the stretched skin thinking this is all I’m left with, stretched skin, a broken heart and a dozen ‘forever’ photos. F**k my s****y stupid f***ing life.”
I rolled over and cuddled Ry so hard. He’s always the small spoon (I know he’s a selfish muscly p***k) 😁 but I needed some love and to see how he was feeling. I wanted him to sleep but really I just needed his little Essex twang to say you alright baby.
He was just laying there with his eyes closed, he responded immediately which is so unlike him in the mornings. 🙈
We had a moment and a cry, and we felt her kicks. Yes you read right. The grief was so intense (and still is now) that at certain times I/we can still feeling her kicks. It’s the same ‘butterfly feeling early days kicks’ some days and then others it’s ‘a full on I have to check my belly to assure myself she’s not there’ kick.
F**king mind blowing I tell you.
We thanked the lord for our comfy bed, our amazing families, our perfect home, 2 secure happy jobs, 2 cars on the drive, food in the fridge, hot water and heating, money in the bank, our health, age on our side, and of course number 1 being, each other.
Then things didn’t seem as bad.
We laid there discussing what if this happened to someone on their own, a single mum? Or to someone who didn’t have any money to treat themselves or to make themselves feel better? What if it was to happen to a couple who aren’t as strong as us and they crumble apart rather than strive together? A family who already have children and need to explain why the bump turned into a sleeping baby? Or even someone without a support network at all?
“This was the moment Luna’s Fund evolved without even knowing it. It’s true, thoughts become things.” ❤️
When your feeling at your ultimate lowest you have to see the good, you have to appreciate what you have got and not what you haven’t, otherwise you won’t get up again it’s as simple as that.
We were too scared to check our phones to see if we had any messages, to see the excited messages from before ‘this’ had happened, to see anything related to real life. I couldn’t even imagine facing social media again, seeing all of the pregnant ladies with bumps and newborn arrivals splattered in my face.
I had followed these journeys from their day 1 around about my day 1, I couldn’t bare to see that they all had theirs but I ‘not had’ mine? 💔
“Our parents bombarded us with company and croissants. Shopping, fruit, nice things. Our support was/is just simply amazing.”
We then all just sat in the front room, we hardly ate, the thought of eating made me feel sick and I permanently felt ill. These days blended into another, and the days merged into weeks.
For the first few days we didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything, eat much or talk. I simply had no energy to function and only wanted to talk to Ryan because he made me happy, but I still managed to interact in small talk with family.
Internally I just felt numb and needy. I didn’t cry, I just sat. I was just sat there surviving. All I wanted was to hold Ryan’s hand and be next to him (no difference to before Luna actually)! 🙈
We’ve always been close but I couldn’t imagine how I would cope in future. Him leaving the house without me, me going out in public alone, going to work, seeing friends, just the thought of all of these made me petrified and it was really overpowering.
“We were given sleeping tablets to help ‘take the edge off’ but I honestly thought I’m not giving in to s**t like that.”
What if I start them and then don’t want to stop, what if I become reliant or if Ryan does, or what if we don’t wake up? (This is coming from the 23 year old who’s never tried a cigarette before) 🤣 so quite frankly I was too scared for my own good which was an absolute blessing.
“We were better than that. We have each other and our future.”
It was more so the pure f**king embarrassment that I felt at this point. People would turn up having hardly slept or ate and looked like a bag of s**t (no offence) because of me. I’ve not only ruined our lives but I’ve affected everyone I love.
It was the point blank embarrassment of being in my pj’s all day every day, pale, bare faced, bloodshot eyes, no sparkle or genuine smile, I looked like death warmed up myself, yet they are supposed to be gaining strength from me.
I have a fiancé who is relying on me to make him feel good, I look like white, bloated tampon and I’m crying 24/7 or if I’m not crying I’m silent and unsure what to say; I needed to pull myself together, Aimee sort your f**king life out.
So I decided the solution was baby steps.
And that’s what I focused on doing. Baby steps. One day I would shower alone without Ryan in the room, only a quick one, but I would focus on our wedding, holidays and ‘happy’ things for a few moments just as I did/do to help me drift off to sleep.
Then I would put on some tan, some foundation, tidy the house, potter around, watch a film, go on my phone for 5 minutes, text 2 people back, then text 5 people back, apply mascara, then go on social media, stare at a newborn baby and cry, look at the thumbnail images again and cry, go in her nursery and cry, look at myself in the mirror and cry and then repeat with less crying…
We eventually ventured to Ry’s parents for the first time, door to door in 15 mins, Ryan wanted to drive as this was ‘his step’ and we did it.
Your mind is such a w****r in these times, it’s your mind that over analyses, worries and creates fear.
Of. Absolutely. Nothing.
“We even spontaneously stopped at Tesco and ran in to get flowers for them. It was the hardest thing ever without even knowing it.”
Before we even stepped in the entrance a man had just placed his car seat of newborn baby in his trolley. I just stared like a crazy woman…
It was half a dagger to the heart as I thought technically that should be us with newborn too, but the other half was a bit of wake up call because I didn’t feel in anyway sad, envious or jealous. And still don’t to this day. I just thought what a little miracle.
“I know that in future if we wanted to we can/will have our bundle in the end. But for now that’s not what we want. We want to make memories and fall in love with life and each other all over again.”
The guy just looked through me probably thought ‘what a chav’ (I did look like one to be fair) or ‘please stop looking at my child you weirdo’ and carried on his shopping.
I was experiencing first hand, the harsh judgement of others. No one knows what’s going on behind closed doors. He would probably have been mortified if he knew how he made me feel in that moment but that’s okay; it’s taught me to be even kinder to people in any situation.
“Looking back, I’m so glad that everything happened when it did, the sooner you face your fears, the better.”
We had a great time and I felt truly happy. We were all together in the crazy house, they all tried to make us laugh and keep us occupied. You haven’t got a minute to think there at the best of times so this was a great distraction. 😁 I just had to get a photo of that moment.
Family is everything.
Having had such a triumph it was an absolute deflation to then bump into the neighbours the following morning… awkward as F**K.
I felt like I was watching it from a distance. I could see them approaching but thinking oh god no don’t ask them, OMG she’s going to ask them, omg she’s asking them, omg noooo stop don’t say it!!!
Yep she did. Bless her heart. She had only helped me with my shopping 2 weeks previously and I was so thankful for her kindness watching me waddle with bags of chicken for Ry. 😁
I had a huge parka coat on to ‘hide the evidence’ and I was half hiding in the boot of the car.
“I saw them coming with their beautiful little boy and I said to Ry oh f**k shes going to ask. Ry she’s going to ask, OMG what do we say.”
Then it came, “Have you had the baby yet then or what, (looks at belly) oh no not yet, (looks at belly again) oh wait you have?!” Looking extremely perplexed.
I’m then in floods and can’t say a word and Ry takes control of the real life awkward situation and explains as briefly and as unawkwardly as possible…
She was born sleeping, we named her Luna, she’s beautiful, there was nothing they could do.
In a one liner, no breaths, and as simple as that.
She tried so hard to hide the sheer look of horror before her eyes welled up and she apologised profusely. I felt absolutely f**king horrific once more.
“I felt like I’d put her in that position and I wish I wore a “Don’t come near me, no baby in tow” t-shirt or something to give her a warning.”
Since then, we haven’t spoke. I know in my heart she doesn’t mean it to be rude or horrible, I just know it’s too close to home for her and she wouldn’t know what to say.
We just wave now.
F**k this situation really is awkward.
It knocked me back massively just when I thought I was getting my shit together, but we persisted and tried more baby steps.
This time we had no visitors for a day, then 2 days, then did our own shopping, we looked at tattoo designs and I went for my tattoo.
“Before you know it within 7 days I had half a face of make up on, having a conversation with a stranger and a tattoo on my finger.”
Instantly I felt a sense of happiness. The pain of the tattoo somehow removed a bit of pain from my heart. It was only small but it didn’t hurt a bit. Being so numb I could literally have had my foof tattooed. 😁
The next goal was to register Luna. It’s so sad because I’ve always dreamt of this milestone. Pictures outside the registar place, baby in car seat, certificate in hand to prove that the name you’ve chosen is legit (some of the names I was looking at may not have been 🙊) and a little bit of lunch to celebrate.
But no, we were registering a ‘death’ and picking up the all important ‘Stillbirth certificate’ to proceed with funeral planning…
No matter what though, her name still looks so beautiful on paper, exactly how I pictured. ❤️
To celebrate this ‘step’ we went on the hunt for an eternity ring that would sit over my tattoo. It was just unfortunate that at the same time Ryan’s wrist accidentally fell into his dream watch 🙄, so a couple grand later we walked out feeling a million dollars. 😁
“To see a smile return to his face and a sparkle in his eye was the most amazing feeling. If only I could make him feel this way every day.”
“Money isn’t everything, money doesn’t buy you true happiness, but money does emotionally give you a glimmer of light and happiness you crave, even for a few moments or minutes.”
This is the main reason for founding the charity. When you have nothing else, the opportunity of being offered a relaxing break away from reality, to not see anyone you know, to eat well and make yourself feel better is a great step to conquering the stages of grief.
I just sat and stared at my ring and tattoo for hours and it made me smile.
Ryan wanted to venture to the gym and it was the first time we would be ‘alone.’ I would never hold him back or stop him doing anything he wants in life and I knew he needed the head space.
I had to be selfless as much as I didn’t want to be alone I knew he needed it. Ryan’s chose this avenue as his way of dealing with ‘it’ which is just amazing. Throwing round weights and training for a half marathon (running on treadmill for 15 minutes and returning to consume 2 packets of biscuits) is what he likes to do.
He’s dealing with it while looking beautiful at the same time. 😍
My absolute hero.
He was only gone for an hour and I couldn’t move off the bedroom floor. I stupidly decided to be brave and look at the photos. I had almost forgotten what she had looked like and I wanted to see her, and I figured that if I was looking at her then I wasn’t alone.
Biggest mistake. That hour flew by. I was in a distraught heap on the floor sobbing my heart out all over again. 💔
Ryan returned in horror to see how I was and I promised I wouldn’t do anything like that alone again. We would do it together as we’re a team.
Here it comes…
“Like a tonne of f**king bricks, someone had to say it… Have you thought about her funeral?”
To be quite honest no I hadn’t. That’s the one thing I tried with all my might to avoid, ignore, postpone and pretend was not happening.
We were told about the funeral side of things in the hospital, they offer you one free of charge that is held in the hospital chapel and you can choose whether to attend or not. In the blur of information at the hospital I was absolutely adamant that I couldn’t and wouldn’t be attending.
I actually feel awful even admitting that on paper but I didn’t have an ounce of fight or energy to take hold of this crucial event and give her the send off she deserved.
“I wanted to bury my head under a pillow and pretend it wasn’t going to happen.”
The bereavement midwife explained what happens at a hospital funeral and the difference between this and a private one. She explained that the hospital service is conducted on a date of their choice and it’s basic.
In that moment it clicked.
Basic? My baby girl doesn’t have and doesn’t do basic. She has whatever the f**k she wants. So get a f**king grip Aimee, do what you do best.
And that’s exactly what I did.
I wanted it to be so different, amazing, perfect, memorable, and seeing as it’s the first, only and last thing I can do for her, I was determined to make it as big as her birthday, christening, Christmas and send off combined.
Something to go down in history.
“It will not be a funeral, that word is vile. We will call it a service. Fit for a princess.”
…continued Wednesday 28th March.